Research reveals why we miss signs of positive attention.
Question to ponder: “Have you ever reminisced about a pleasurable conversation that you really enjoyed, wondering if the feeling was mutual?”
The following written content by Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D.
Have you ever reminisced about a pleasurable conversation that you really enjoyed, wondering if the feeling was mutual? Do you ask yourself whether the connection you felt was chemistry or wishful thinking? Research reveals that many of us second-guess the mutual attraction of interaction. But in many cases, our conversation partners like us more than we think.
The liking game: How perception distorts reality
I have previously written about how conversation sparks powerful chemistry and builds relationships. But that assumes that all goes well. How do we know when it does?
Erica J. Boothby et al. explored this issue in a piece aptly entitled “The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People like Us More than We Think?” (2018).[i] Recognizing conversations with new acquaintances as a part of social life that is both important and rewarding, they note that such social bonding can also be intimidating and anxiety-provoking, as people worry about the impressions they are making with their new acquaintances.
Thankfully, Boothby et al. found that after such meetings, people consistently tend to underestimate how much their conversation partners like them, an illusion they call “the liking gap.” They demonstrated the application of this phenomenon within different types of interactions, including laboratory conversation, college dorm mates getting to know each other, and personal development workshop attendees. Their research demonstrated that after conversations, most people are, in fact, liked more than they realize.
Why we second-guess first impressions
What causes the liking gap? Boothby et al. describe conversations as “conspiracies of politeness” where people do not disclose their true feelings. They also recognize that conversations make people vulnerable to social rejection, making some people reluctant to express interest lest it not be reciprocated. And they also note that because conversations can be cognitively demanding, even when people are exposed to green lights signaling positive response, they are too self-absorbed to even notice—often focusing more on what they are going to say next. Read more Psychology Today.
