Tortoise vs. Hare Relationships: Often one person ponders, the other is more spontaneous. How to avoid clashing.…..
The following written content by Robert Taibbi L.C.S.W.
Ben will admit that he doesn’t do well thinking on his feet. Even if a friend casually asks him if he wants to play golf on Saturday, Ben’s the guy who is always going to say I’ll have to get back to you on that. And when he’s hit with something more emotional – his wife Alicia, say, is upset and yelling – he gets rattled; hems and haws, says stupid stuff off the top of his head, or just freezes up and shuts down, only making Alicia even more upset.
Alicia is the opposite. If there’s something worrying her, if her feelings get hurt, she wants to talk about…now! whether it’s 11:00 at night and Ben is already half-asleep or if he is in the middle of mowing the lawn. And so she does, setting a familiar pattern in motion – Alicia goes offense and pushes; Ben plays defense and rattles or shuts down, which in turn frustrates Alicia who ramps up more, which in turn fuels Ben’s shutting down. Around and around they go until usually, Alicia stomps away in exasperation.
Ben and Alicia, tortoise and hare, slow and fast, the plodder and the spontaneous one. They complement each other and like many couples, it was this meeting of opposites that brought them together. Ben loved Alicia’s carefree, let’s-do-it-now approach to life. It was exciting, and it pulled him along—Sure, let’s go out for sushi at 1 am. She added some energy to his life that he didn’t have before. And for Alicia? Here was a guy who was solid, thoughtful, a welcomed change from some of the flakier guys she had dated before. Ben provided the ballast that she sometimes needed to help her feel safe, secure, grounded.
Good to go. But now they have been together a few years and the glow has worn off. Alicia’s spontaneity has become a bit too much emotional drama for Ben; Ben’s groundedness feels a bit too staid, too cautious, too stuck-in-the-mud. They’re finding that what they initially most liked is now the thing that is driving each of them a bit crazy.
What do they each want? Ideally, that the other person is resembles them more closely in personality and habit. For Ben, Alicia would not say the first thing that comes into her head all the time, would be less emotional, more…rational. And for Alicia, Ben would be less analytical, more loose and carefree, less the old man, less Mr. Spock, more…energetic. Rather than wishing it was different or battling, they need to find a way to compromise.
How to break the cycle…..Read more from Psychology Today
